Baby Fat Jones

Neighbor Fail

2009-07-30T16:01:00.008-05:00

It has come to my attention that I don't really know my neighbors in
my building very well...or I guess I should say "at all."

I only really know my neighbor directly across the hall,

none other than famed Springfield filmmaker

Brandon Goodwin.

Other than him, I know that there is:

1. a guy with an annoying small dog upstairs and down
the hall a ways,

2. the lady right above me who it sounds like rolls
an ancient metal office chair around a lot,

either that, or sleeps in an ancient hide-a-bed

and constantly opens and closes it,

3. the guys at the back of the building in one of the

basement apartments that smoke weed all the time

4. and the middle-aged lady who limps
and always has an ankle brace on

--she's really nice, by the way.

There's also this cute girl who looks to be about my age who lives on
my floor, one unit down and across the hall. I've said hello to her
twice before, and only then because I was walking past her in the hall
or holding the door for her. I think if I run into her a third time in
one of those "hello" situations, I'll have to introduce myself. It's
only common courtesy.

I used to wonder why I never introduce myself to neighbors when I move
into a new place, always thinking there was something wrong with me
for not being the outgoing new neighbor. Today, I discovered a good
reason not to immediately take that first step:

Yes, that's right. A COURT SUMMONS for my next door neighbors. I'm gonna make extra sure I lock my door from here on out. It is only a rent issue, and not a criminal type thing, but still....come on people.

This doesn't exactly give me a bunch of confidence for meeting all my neighbors. I should just suck it up and get over it. Maybe I'll go say hello to that girl down the hall...

when it rains, it pours (freezing rain)...

2008-12-23T23:51:00.002-06:00

it's no secret that i have strong negative feelings about the quality of work that the road crews in springfield do. not only do they not salt the roads prior to ugly winter weather....they don't even salt them AFTER ugly winter weather!!

case in point: the bridge on kimbrough connecting trafficway to chestnut expressway was a SOLID SHEET OF ICE when my dodge stratus skidded to a halt nestled in the crook of a previous wreck in a black toyota suv. i feel so bad for the older couple in the suv--i was the second person to hit them within 10 minutes. the driver's side of their vehicle was smashed to bits by a black bmw that had skidded an additional 75 yards or so along the bridge after careening around the bend on the martin luther king, jr bridge. in addition, their rear left tire was flat because of the same incident.

by the time i skidded into them, there was no more damage to be done. they actually told me they wouldn't even claim anything on me because i "didn't do any more damage than had already been done". thank God for kind-hearted people.

the only damage done to my car was the left mirror being popped off. now it's just hanging by the wires that control the mirror. surprisingly it still works :-)

also, the front left hubcap is chipped and the tire is bent in a 2 inch length along the radius. i think my alignment may be off too. dang it.

i guess it could have been much worse. i'm surprised my car didn't get scratched up or anything!

now comes the waiting game til i can get it into the shop to get an estimate on repairs. i don't even care if the mirror looks pretty--as long as it stays on my car. oh well...i guess you just have to take it as it comes.

anyways, i hope everyone has a fantasticly merry christmas, seeing as it is now christmas eve!! happy christmas!!

well well well...

2008-12-06T14:24:00.002-06:00

so it seems i haven't blogged for over 6 months...

i want to say i'm sorry. my sister especially has been guilting me about it. and i know that "guilting" isn't a word.

well a lot has happened in the past 6 months. i have grown to become a lot better at the job i mentioned getting in my last post. it has also gotten colder since may. my car has crapped out on me multiple times, i am a single male again, i have started doing improv once more, i have been to 5 more weddings since i last posted, i am still tall, i have gained back about 8-10 pounds of the 45 that i lost since graduating college, i have learned a lot more about my personality and how i relate or don't relate to God, and i have noticed a few pure white hairs on both sides of my head.

all in all, a very interesting couple of months. are there regrets? of course. but man i'll tell you, i wouldn't trade the experiences for anything. that's what makes life interesting. i'm still excited to see what the future holds, because i realize i still have no idea where God might lead me in the future. i only hope i can keep a positive outlook on things, and i also hope i can get even closer to God. He's got the inside scoop on everything, so i figure it's a pretty good idea to stay tight with Him.

i will say that i wish i would spend more time with friends. if anyone reads this and i haven't hung out with you in a long time, hit me up!!

so friends, i'm going to do my absolute best to keep up with this blogging. oh goodness. i'm gonna go eat some cookies.

p.s. - i can't wait for christmas! :-D

i have a job!

2008-05-29T22:19:00.002-05:00

a real job! i can't believe it; i just can't believe it. God is awesome! and on top of that, everyone on staff at north point has expressed just how excited they are that i was chosen for hire.

btw, the position i now hold is "media coordinator", meaning i get to edit videos and do all kinds of fun stuff like that! and i get paid for it!! i'm soooo excited!

in addition to all that goodness, i get to stay in springfield, near my beautiful girlfriend, whom i love so very much :-)

thank you, thank you, thank you, God.

wow. i mean, wow.

2008-05-15T14:11:00.002-05:00

God is SOOO faithful!! last time i visited my blog, i was without residence. well that changed. big time.

on monday, april 28th, i was driving around searching for a place to live; apartment, room, street corner with a tent on it. all were way too expensive for what i could afford working part time, and all required at least a 48 hour application processing/background check period. none of that really helped me much. it wasn't until i called one of my friends from church to see if they knew of anyone renting out a room that God really led me right where He wanted me.

as it turns out, this guy happened to be leaving in the middle of may and would be gone for three months up to rhode island for navy chaplaincy training. this meant that he needed to find a person to mow his lawn for the summer. also, he had an extra bedroom that was not being used.

long story short, he told me that i could move in immediately, and live there rent-free for the entire summer (til about mid to late august), and all i would have to do is pay utilities and mow his lawn. wow. WOW.

God is so faithful. not only did He provide for me at just the right moment, enabling me to lean on Him and trust in Him completely to provide for me, but He did so in such an amazing way. i am now able to live for under $100 a month. incredible.

add to that the amazing opportunities i've been given in the past week or so at north point, and i can see even more clearly that God has me in His hands in such a powerful and all-encompassing way. i never have to worry about where i will live, or how i will pay my bills, or what i should do with my life. placing all of my efforts into pleasing God and living fully for His will, i can never fail.

thank you so much, Lord.

nowhere to run to, baby; nowhere to hide...

2008-04-27T13:54:00.003-05:00

i have 2 days--2 DAYS--to find a place, move in, and clean out my old apartment. i am FREAKING OUT.

***
God, i really need your help right now. i know that you are the same as you were yesterday, which is the same as you were a few weeks ago when you provided enough money for me to pay my bills, and you're the same as you were when you provided me with an income.

please don't let me lose hope now.

i'm trusting you; help me remember that you're faithful in all things.
***

if anyone who reads this knows of a place that i could move into in the next day or two, that'd be wonderful. i would be so grateful.

cheezing it up...

2008-04-08T22:34:00.002-05:00

so i'm going to osceola cheese factory tomorrow. i have an interview with a church in lee's summit, mo, and that's where we're meeting...at least initially, since it's the easiest thing to find in osceola. lee's summit is just outside of kansas city, for those who don't know that. they have an open children's pastor position, so i sent them my resume. i don't know how i feel about this place. i've been there before, and it's a good church, but i hesitate to say that i may already feel that this is not the place for me. obviously i'm trusting that God will lead me to the right place, and more importantly that He WON'T lead me to the WRONG place.

i'm pretty bad at all this faith stuff. it's difficult. the one and only thing that's so comforting about this entire situation, though, is that even when we have little or no faith, God is still faithful to us. as long as i'm seeking Him and His will for my life, i can't go wrong. He's taken care of everything--and it hasn't even happened yet.

that is extraordinarily comforting and reassuring.

i only pray that God will make it abundantly clear to me whether this place is for me or not. the thing is, i have no idea how to model a children's ministry. sure, i participate in one aspect of the children's ministry at north point (specifically, portraying a recurring character in the dramatic element of the curriculum), but i don't know the first thing about the other aspects of an effective children's ministry. i know God will give me the ability to do whatever He's called me to do; i'm just not sure that children's ministry is that thing. i know that God has called me to minister to youth....but whether that is specifically teenagers, or whether that could also be children's ministry, i'm not sure. i'm just trying to leave myself open to any possibility.

on the other hand, i know at least the basics of how to structure an effective youth ministry. by no means do i consider myself extremely knowledgeable, and i know that there are things that are most certainly going to take me by surprise, but i could definitely make a go of it.

i also have another prospect...an assembly of god church in avon, indiana. that's just west of indianapolis. google map it if you don't believe me! the way they describe themselves, they sound an awful lot like north point. that's probly the most appealing thing about them. i'd be lying, though, if i said that was the only appealing thing. it just seems like a welcoming church. there are other things that i can't quite put words to yet, but they make me feel good about this place. i kind of hope it works out, even more than the other places i have on the burners at this point, even though it's the furthest away from each of the places in the country where i have family or dear friends or my girlfriend. i just feel like if i was ministering at this place, everything would be right. i don't know why i feel that, especially since it's so far away. i guess the good thing about its location is that it is right near indianapolis (cool city), and it's half way between springfield and pittsburgh, so i could easily make about a 7 hour drive to either of those places, either to visit my sister, or to visit my family.

i need guidance.

God, please guide me. give me strength. i'm so close now (at least it feels that way)....help me endure through the end of this trial. and thank You for providing for me. i love You.

STUCK

2008-04-04T13:37:00.000-05:00

LOOK AT THIS.

question: take 2

2008-02-22T17:34:00.002-06:00

so where do i go now? i don't know quite yet. that's why i'm asking You.

do You wanna maybe give me a hint?? or at least a slightly open door??? i'm really confused.

God is faithful

2008-01-27T11:12:00.000-06:00

the title says it all; God, please give me the wisdom and patience to wait upon You and Your movement.

patience, patience...

2008-01-16T15:57:00.000-06:00

that is the overriding theme in my life right now. it seems that God can't get enough of telling me that.

BE PATIENT.

i'm very eager to be a youth pastor, but i'm realizing with each passing day that God wants me to be patient. the right position will come along. in the meantime, i have so very much to learn about youth ministry. i'm eager to be a youth pastor, but so very nervous about it at the same time, knowing that when i'm in charge of a group of students, i'm responsible for sharing Christ's love with them. i don't want to mess that up.

BE PATIENT.

a very unexpected friendship/relationship/"we're-holding-off-on-actually-making-this-a-relationship-right-now-until-we-discover-what-God-wants-us-to-do" has brought almost grotesque amounts of joy into my life recently. she's such a blessing.

in regards to the ridiculously hyphenated phrase directly above, we both feel that God is telling us to BE PATIENT. we've been doing this the right way from the start--praying for wisdom concerning the 'relationship', and we both feel that God is telling us to take it slow.....extremely slow. therefore, we're friends. the main reason we're being so careful is that neither of us wants to get in the way of the other. she has told me numerous times that she knows we're on different chapters in our lives and she doesn't want to hold me back from what God is doing in my life. i feel the same way towards her. i don't really know where God is leading me or when.

BE PATIENT.

if anyone has a minute or two to spare, please throw a prayer my (our) way.

God, give me patience......and yes, i realize the irony that by asking for patience, Lord, it's pretty likely that what You'll do is make me wait. touché.

moving on

2008-01-06T22:37:00.000-06:00

as an update to all who have so feverishly been following my job search, i wish to announce....a few things, actually.

first and foremost, i am ceasing the job search in the traditional sense (aka- for a traditional job) and i will be commencing the search for a youth pastor position. where, you ask? well, i don't know where, which brings me to my second point.

second, i put in my "2 weeks" at the skinny. yes, that's right. this friday and saturday nite are the last chances anyone, including you, will ever have to see me on the skinny improv stage. it all ends with the mystery hour on saturday nite at 10:15. i've got to say, this was by far the toughest decision i had to make, but at the same time is the one i feel most confident about. God gave me a spiritual slap in the face while i was home over the holidays, and i'm completely sure this whole endeavor is what i need to be doing. while i love the skinny and all the people there, it is by far the thing that has been holding me (back) here.

so now i embark on a new mission: God's mission. it will without a doubt be utterly successful as long as i don't let myself get in the way and try to call the shots. i've been doing that since i graduated in may, and the result has been that half of my post-college life (aka- 4 out of the 8 months since graduation) has been spent unemployed.

i have no idea where i will end up. that's simultaneously the most exciting and the scariest part about this whole situation. i have nothing tying me here, but i also have no definite plans. i guess that's where trust and faith come in. if i do end up leaving springfield, though, i'll be sure to let anyone who might care know about it before i'm gone. in any case, this is going to be the beginning of the best part of my life.

God, give me the courage to depend fully on you. i've avoided that in the past, and it's been nothing but trouble thus far. help me to be more like You in every way. above all, help me to devote all of my energy to You and this calling you've placed on my life.

p.s. - on an unrelated note, i'm ecstatic that American Gladiators has officially made its way back onto television. Wolf is my favorite gladiator.

merry christmas to all...

2007-12-24T20:15:00.000-06:00

and to all...some other stuff.

i love christmas, and i love being with family, and i love seeing friends i haven't seen in a long time, and i love all the encouraging things family and friends say to me. i am blessed, and it has taken a trip back to PA and a whole lot of unemployment to remind me that God has me in His hands. God came to the earth in human form to give us hope, and i was reminded at church on sunday by my pastor that God's hope is eternal and extraordinary. whatever tough situation one may be in at any particular time, it won't last forever. it won't always be that way. God has given us hope for a bright future, not particularly in this life, but in heaven. i'm so grateful that i've been reminded of that. thank you, Lord, for bringing hope to this world as a baby. You've changed my life and will continue to change it, and that is what i'm looking forward to more than anything.

merry christmas.

God bless us, everyone ;-)

i'm going home...

2007-12-21T03:34:00.000-06:00

tomorrow...er, today. cuz it's 3:30am. friday night is my night to go home for christmas. i will be riding in my sister's car with her, her husband, and their dog oliver. hopefully oliver will be subdued. i believe he will be, cuz they're planning on giving him something to sleep. soooo yeah. i can't wait to spend a week and a half at home, with my family all there, and all kinds of food, and fun, and presents. although i asked for everything i'm getting for christmas this year, i can only remember about a quarter of the things i asked for, so it really will be a surprise. worries of getting a job whisked all thought of christmas and presents from my mind for the past few months, but now i'm finally just accepting where i am in life and where God is taking me, and even though i don't yet have a job, i am at peace with it, and i know God will give me something when i get back.

the thing is, i've accepted the idea of a more humbling position: waiter. for the past few months, i've been unemployed, and looking back, this is mostly because of a pride issue. it's been going thru my brain that since i'm a college graduate, i should definitely be able to get a nice office job with a nice salary. i think God has had something different in mind for me, however. i realized recently that i felt entitled to such a job. almost that it was below me to consider a job like a waiter or something like that. but right now, i'm feeling completely at ease with the idea; i'm even kind of excited by the prospect of simplifying my life, stripping off some of my many commitments, and devoting a lot of time (even if it takes more than 40 hours a week) to a job. so take that, corporate america!! i don't feel the need to have a white collar job! obviously i don't want to be a waiter or something along those lines forever, but i'm excited about it right now. the only thing i have to do now is go apply wherever i can, once i'm back in town after the holidays.

i don't mind serving people in the least. at one time, i was a little turned off by the idea of having a blue collar type of job after college, but i think God has broken me down and helped me realize there's nothing wrong with serving others. in fact, isn't that kind of one of the big points Jesus makes in the new testament?? there was this one time that someone i know said to me--rather tactlessly and rudely, i must say--that if it came down to me and him being considered for a white collar job, they would be much more likely to take him because the only experience i've ever had has been in blue collar service jobs. at the time, i was really offended. and looking back, it was still a really rude thing for him to say, but i don't feel offended anymore. so what if the only types of jobs i had while i was a teenager were blue collar jobs?? aren't those the kinds of jobs that teenagers are almost exclusively hired for???

all that to say this: i am excited for what God has for me. even though i may be humbled right now to take a type of job that i wasn't expecting to have to take after graduating from a private university, i plan on doing whatever i end up doing with all the strength and hard work i can muster. i know, after all, that God sees what we do with the little things, and He then trusts us with the bigger things. who knows--this may be the very thing that prepares me for something much greater further on in God's plan for me.

so in this christmas season, when we look back upon the greatest story ever told, and we see our Savior born into very humble beginnings, it makes it easier to see that God can use us for great things even if He starts us out in a humbling position.

merry christmas, and sorry for the long post. at least i got it done before the new year.

so why am i more stressed now?!?

2007-12-11T02:38:00.000-06:00

i have 2 job interviews this week. the first is tomorrow, technically today (tuesday), at 2pm. it's with a man who owns several music stores in the area and in tulsa and joplin and places like that. i was given his number by pastor troy at church because he'd approached troy asking if he knew of anyone looking for employment. i was first on the list in troy's mind, and so he told me about this man and gave me his number. it was nice of him. and so i called the man and he wants to meet tomorrow to talk about what we can do. it seems most probable that it would be a position as a salesman of musical instruments in one of his stores. i've never sold anything before. it seems like the hours would be flexible. i don't know how much it pays.

the other job interview is on thursday morning at 11am for a job at the assembly of god national youth ministry's youthalive department. i'd be an administrative coordinator, and i'd be in charge of scheduling travels and all kinds of stuff for the department director. i'd also work closely with the seven project, which does assemblies in schools about making positive choices. my sister had this job up until last friday, when she moved to a new job across the street from where this one is. it was a good move for her; and it's possible that it was a good move for me as well, since they called me to set up an interview. i know how much this pays. i also know the hours are inflexible, yet normal (8 to 4:30 type of thing).

now i face a dilemma.

if they offer me a job at this music place tomorrow, do i take it? i don't want to turn down that job, thinking i'll get the youthalive job, only to not get it then be in a worse off place than before! i also don't want to assume that either job is the right one for me.

i've thought about the pros and cons of each, and most of the pros for the music job include me being able to have a flexible enough schedule that i can also teach improv at evangel in the spring (which i want to do but don't know if God wants me to d o, at least right now), and i'd also be able to be more available for the skinny.~~~~~the cons of the music job are that i don't know that i'd like selling things, let alone musical instruments, i don't know where this type of job could lead me as far as a career, and i don't know if it's where God wants me.

the pros of the youthalive job are that my job would be benefiting the youth of this nation (which is amazing in my opinion), i'd have regular hours (which means i'd be able to do the skinny like i've been doing it but would NOT be able to teach at evangel--at least for this spring semester), and i feel like there's some sort of career path somewhere along there that doesn't just end up in more hourly work.~~~~~~the cons of the youthalive job are that it's not flexible enough to allow all my crazy young dreams to insert themselves, i don't know whether i'm ready to settle down yet at a real live grown-up office job, and i don't know if this is where God wants me either.

i know that God will guide me. i know that He will make the best of any decision i make, even if it'll just take a little longer in a more roundabout way. i know that i've been trusting God to provide me with job for about 2 months now, and now i also need to trust Him in the decision-making process as well. He will not lead me astray. He will not purposely lead me into a difficult place for my torment, but only for my testing and proving. He will not leave me alone, only leave it quiet enough to make me call out to check if He's there. He will not forget me, only run out ahead of me far enough that i reach out my hands to find Him again. Please, God, i want to trust.

as i was venting some of these frustrations to troy (who's been praying for me these whole 2 months for a job and direction), he said a lot of things to me. he was talking about several things you need to look for when making a decision alongside of God. out of all of them, this one stuck out the most:

"after all of that praying and seeking, if you still can't discern which choice is the right one, examine which one will glorify God more, and which one will glorify yourself more. after that, the decision becomes a whole lot easier, and God will honor you for your choice as long as you keep Him first."

so i don't know where that leads me in the job choice, but i know that i've got some praying and sleeping and praying to do.

thaaaaaaaaaanksgiving!

2007-11-21T10:54:00.000-06:00

i'm home! i've eaten more in the last 24 hours than i had eaten basically all of last week, and it's not even thanksgiving day. i shudder to think what that will be like.

i'm so glad to be home for a time....there's just so much i need to schedule with people. there's almost not enough time to do everything! luckily, i'll be home for christmas as well, so it's kind of like a second try for everything i missed otherwise.

and i suddenly don't feel like writing anything more today.

that's ok, i'm on holiday.

developments and deviations

2007-11-11T22:09:00.000-06:00

i have a job interview tomorrow. monday morning at 11:15. at a tv station. for the position of production assistant.

i have no idea how much it pays, or what the exact hours will be. i have no idea whether this is the answer--temporarily or semi-permanantly--to my recent problem of unemployment. i have no idea whether it will prevent me from going home for either thanksgiving, christmas, or both. and i have no idea whether it will interfere with my volunteer duties at church or my performing at the skinny.

i do know, however, that i am up for anything. if this job pays well, or even just enough, i will do it at least for a while.

i am eager, so eager, to be in God's plans. to be in his will. to be doing nothing more and nothing less than exactly what he wants me to do, and to be nowhere else than exactly where he wants me to be. i am eager, so eager, to be closer to him--in every way. to be a better listener, to be better at praying, to be better--just better in every way--and to be made that way by the only way possible....by God himself.

i want to put aside, drop on the ground, and even completely demolish my dependence and connections to everything that is preventing me from getting to that point. i may be taking some time off from the skinny, for all i know. time will tell. God, you know my desires. make them yours. take everything you want for me, and funnel it into my heart; make it completely mine, so that i know no difference between your desires and mine. you know my skills and talents--you gave them to me, afterall. if it pleases you that i use them, then please make it so. unhinge all of my preconceptions of what form the answers to my prayers will take. i love you.

on a side note:
this weekend's shows felt really good. for the past month, i've felt i've been in such a rut in my improvising. understandably so; my mind was completely engrossed with the pressures of unemployment and all the worries that accompany that state. i don't know whether my performances this weekend were rejuvenated by the prospect of a job interview on monday, or whether God granted me some grace in my creativity, but i know that i haven't performed as well as this weekend in what seems like a long time, but has in reality only been a few weeks. my mind felt a lot lighter and ready for action. oh yeah.

a second side note:
i can't help but feel that there is a growing tension at the skinny as of late. i don't know what is causing it. i can't quite put my finger on it. i do know, however, that the atmosphere around the skinny has been considerably heavier, more business-like. mind you, i didn't say more professional--i said more business-like; it feels more like a corporation and place of business rather than a theatre. almost a melancholy feel. i hope it passes soon. or even better, i hope that this is more just in my mind and perception than it is in reality. oh wells. i'll just keep doing my thing, and doing it the best way i can--doing it in such a way that others can see some of my God in me.

scatter

2007-11-06T23:30:00.000-06:00

my brain fills up too fast as of late. all with the same focus: job.

(and that's 'job', as in employment--not 'job', as in the guy that a whole lot of crap happened to in the bible)

it's time for less of me, more of God.

Lord, i'm going to keep praying about this til you're sick of hearing about it. then you'll basically answer my prayer just to get me out of your proverbial hair. do you have hair? i guess, in the sense of humans picturing you with hair, you do. but is it really made of the same stuff??

whoa, tangent.

Lord, take care of me. i'm completely in your hands. take me where you want me.

p.s. - i'm going to start writing. i don't know what. probably sketches. or stories. or plays. or poems. any of those things.

so about that job...

2007-11-02T00:37:00.000-05:00

scratch it from the record books, record-keeper!

yeah, so maybe my foray into the land of telemarketing--specifically fundraising for the republican party--was not the best laid plan. in fact, after only 2 and a half days of training, i walked out on that job.

i've never done that before.

when the HR lady who hired me asked me why i wanted to quit already, she said, "but you haven't even started on the phones yet."

well, to be honest, i didn't want to start on the phones. if other people can do this job and have no problem with it, then that's ok with me. i, however, cannot in good conscience manipulate money out of people. it just does not sit right in my gut or in my heart.

God.......um...if you have anything for me up there--specifically a job--um......now would be a good time.

someone's got a job....

2007-10-25T17:44:00.001-05:00

it's me, by the way.

improv dreams...if only i could fall asleep

2007-10-19T02:47:00.001-05:00

so here i am, at 3am. i can't seem to fall asleep after spending a little time venting to God. reason is, i have so many ides running thru my head that i can't get my brain to settle down. i really want to use my skills and passions for God's glory, but at 3am, it's hard to get your brain around a solid idea for starting some type of improv ministry.

if you'd asked me what i wanted to do just 6 hours ago, i would have said, "find a job that will help me pay off my school bills and allow me to do improv as well." well, my narrow mind always seems to keep me in the box of springfield, missouri. after much frustration tonight while talking to God, however, i have finally come to the conclusion that i don't care where i am.

i want to do God's will above all else, and if that means leaving springfield, leaving my volunteer duties at north point, leaving my volunteer (...ahem) duties at the skinny, and leaving my family even more scattered across the country than before, then so be it.

is it crazy to think of starting a ministry at age 22? maybe it is. do i even know if this is really where God (and/or all the crazy ideas that float around in my head) is taking me?? i have no idea.

all i know is that i don't want to be stuck here in springfield doing some mundane job that i hate doing, which has no perceivable connection to my passions and skills, and which will just continue to keep me thinking within the limiting box of springfield, mo. i know that God has bigger things out there for me.

i just don't know where to even look to start. that is where i am at a complete loss. i want to impact the world (or at least as large a portion of the world as God gives me influence in), and i know that there is a place for improv and theatre arts in this plan. but WHERE DO I START?!?!

this, my friends, is the very thing that is keeping me up at 3am.

tomorrow (or today, i suppose), i drive a van full of middle school and high school students to branson for the southern missouri district youth convention. i am so excited. pray that God gets a hold on the lives of these students who are going. and experience with God is the greatest thing we could ask for these students. pray also that God speaks to me while i'm there. i know i will be doing that very thing. and also pray that i get to sleep.

cuz my mind is still reeling with the possibilities and frustrations that these ideas are presenting....at 3am.

snooze button?? psshh.

2007-10-17T13:17:00.000-05:00

i'm having trouble lately waking up at a reasonable time. today, for instance, i didn't get up til it was nearly noon. goodness. i need to rectify that.

so right now it's been a little over a week since i've been put "on call" with avman, which really just means "we're not going to call." they haven't called me for any work since i got the call indicating i'd be "on call." it's not like i really expected them to call me frequently...but not at all? i guess this was just their really sneaky and underhanded way of firing me. see, cuz this way, they don't pay unemployment, cuz i'm still technically employed there. shady business, if you ask me. so i've been applying to several places, with no responses yet.

i really don't even know where to start looking, cuz i don't know what God wants me to do. i'd much rather be doing what He wants me to do, but it's just a waiting game so far. i'm not just being lazy about it; i am applying places. now i just have to trust that God won't let me be hired to a place that He doesn't want me working.

recently i've experienced a renewed joy of being in His presence, which is a good start, considering where i was spiritually not so long ago. and i know i'm gonna make mistakes, but to have that joy back while spending time with God--that's more than i could have hoped for even a few weeks ago. so now i'm taking it one day at a time. some days are good, others are not as good. but i'm determined to not mess up my life any more than i already have.

sometimes i just feel like i've screwed things up beyond repair, but then i remember how silly that is, considering the God i serve and love. i know God likes to build our faith and our patience in Him by waiting til seemingly the last possible moment to come through with an answer to our prayers. trust me, He's doing that with me right now. i really need a job, but i think my money will hold out at least til the end of the month...which is right about the time that i figure God will pull some job out of nowhere that will be a much better situation for me than avman ever was.

i also have to wonder, though, whether this is what God had planned for me all along. He knows me better than i know myself, and so maybe He knew that this is what i needed in order to come back to Him and finally trust in Him. the God i know doesn't do things to spite His children, so i won't believe that He's going to put me in another crappy job just to spite me. but i do understand that putting me in another crappy or less-than-ideal job may be the only way right now to get me out of the mess i've made up until this point. in my experience thus far, God doesn't often magically fix everything for you. if you mess up and get yourself in a bad situation, God will more often than not (at least in my observations) have you get yourself out of it (with His help, of course) in the only possible way--the hard way.

if that's where i am right now, then i can't blame anyone for it but myself. and if i have to get out of this place the hard way, then i cherish the opportunity to grow closer to God through it, and to build my character through it, and to guard myself from making this type of mistake in the future.

God, thank you for hearing me.

veils and curtains

2007-10-08T22:54:00.001-05:00

it gets so hard to see where to step next, when all that is in front of you seems hidden. this is especially true when you get blindsided by unexpected and unfortunate events. i really want to know where i fit in God's will, and i want to get to the place God wants me to be. it's hard to say it, and i'm still not sure i'm 100% behind this statement, but i want to be in God's will even if that means giving up some of the things i love and consider to be essential.

my back hurts

i feel like i'm being weighed down. all i want to do is lift it, but i can't. i keep trying on my own, but i keep becoming more and more accepting and content with what i have in my lap. that's not what i'm supposed to be. this isn't all that's out there for me. i have a lot more in store for me that God wants me to do.

present pressures prevent me from practicing perfect perception, foil my attempts at focusing fervently on the face of the One who created me, create cracks in the crust of my convictions.

i can't for the life of me concentrate long enough on God and His holiness for my prayers to be of very much tangible benefit. when i pray, i feel as if God hears me, but does nothing for now. it's infuriating to be forced to wait.

i just want to know with utmost certainty that God has plans in the works to take care of me, and to make me more in His image, and to provide for me materially but also spiritually and emotionally--filling me up with His joy. i don't find it easy to think of joy when i'm wondering whether my bills will be covered by the diminutive funds in my bank account. how long, o God, will You leave my prayers unanswered? how long will You wait before You show Your power? please, God, hear me.

for the record, i am now officially on an "on call" basis at work.

teeter-totter

2007-10-06T13:57:00.000-05:00

some days are good, some days...not as good.

last night my roommate had some people over and cooked a meal for them. it was nice of him--they are all my friends, too. he did not, however, clean up the mess afterwards. he left that all over the kitchen all night. it's not really that unexpected, though. it's happened before, so no surprise there.

my roommate came back today, however. my first thought when i heard him coming in the door while i was in my room was, "oh sweet, he's coming to clean up." after about fifteen minutes or so, however, i started hearing some odd noises coming from the living room. i emerged from my room only to discover the mess still in the kitchen, and my roommate, building a tv stand in the living room. he was BUILDING a tv stand IN the living room. in fact, he's still there right now, pounding and drilling away. luckily, he decided to do all the cutting of the wood out on the patio, but unfortunately he left the sliding glass door wide open while doing this, which let in at least 10 or so flies who started feasting on the mess of food crap in the kitchen.

i need to leave the apartment for a while...maybe walk around downtown. ooh, i could go read at the mudhouse!

this is insane. i need out of here--for good.

gratefulness

2007-10-03T07:43:00.000-05:00

today is beautiful. thank you, God.

forgive me for all my complaining, and thank you for listening despite those complaints.

you are wonderful. thank you.

frustration

2007-09-29T12:54:00.000-05:00

i think the thing that is bringing this whole episode on is the fact that rent is due in 2 days. this is the first time we've had to pay rent since the whole roommate fiasco started. i just don't want to live here anymore (in this apartment, specifically). i am getting a pretty good deal in that i'm paying half the rent on a 2-bedroom and i'm basically the only one living here.

the frustration comes when i talk with my roommate and keep hearing not only of his medical issues (which i can sympathize with him on), but i also hear about his stupid--STUPID decisions regarding money. i can't imagine he'll ever be in a good financial position, let alone anytime soon. about a week and a half before the first medical thing happened to him, he used his student loan check to buy a $1200, 50" HDTV. stupid. now he has all these medical bills and prescriptions to pay for. that sucks. on top of all that, he has moved back to campus and is now paying for room and board on top of his rent and utilities here. sucks. also, he still has to pay car insurance and a car payment on the brand new truck he got at the beginning of the summer, even though he can't drive it now because of his medical condition. sucks. when he approached our landlords to see about getting out of the lease based on his medical situation, they told us no; we'd have to pay 4 months rent and lose the deposit--which equals out to about $3000. sucks. despite this, i don't think he even really tried to get out of it, and on top of that he doesn't seem very concerned about getting out of it, which just seems ridiculous to me, considering all the other expenses he's racking up right now. stupid. oh, and i think the thing that tipped it over the edge for me is when he was at the apartment today and told me he just bought an xbox 360. WHAT?!?

i don't want to be around when all of this comes back to bite him in the form of credit card debt, as i'm assuming that's how he's paying for all of this, since before any of this happened i know that he had at least 4 credit cards, each with a balance on them. i don't want to be responsible for all the rent on this 2-bedroom apartment when he comes to me and says he can't afford it anymore.

i want to get out of this lease, but i don't even know if we have any sort of a case because i haven't gone over the lease in detail and he has the only copy and he keeps neglecting to bring it over to the apartment when he comes over!

my job is stupid, i can't stand this living situation, and i wanna live somewhere else--by myself.

rant over.

no need for panic. no need for stress.

2007-09-23T23:15:00.000-05:00

in the time since my last post, i've taken the opportunity to reflect on what was going on in my head and in my heart. i can't say i've had any life-changing, ground-shaking revelations, but i can say this: i am so glad to have a little less stress in my life right now.

both of the plays i was in are now finished with their runs, and i have a lot to look forward to in the coming weeks that is not stressful at all! i took some sound advice from a good friend, who suggested that no one really likes to take the time out everyday to pray--but it needs to be done anyway. and God will honor you for taking that time to spend with Him, even if everyday is not sunshine and roses.

i think i also figured something out about my devotional times. i don't do well with them when i do them at night. when i do them at night, the prayer time mostly turns into a guilt-fest of confessing all the things i'd done wrong that day and sins i'd done. that's no way to have a relationship. instead, i've started reading and praying the first thing in the morning--before i even stand up from my bed. this feels a lot more natural for me.

God is good. i am really excited now about being a youth sponsor. i have been assigned 5 high school guys with whom to connect and build relationships. and i really am starting to connect with them! it's awesome what God can do through simple relationships like these. i can tell already that there are great things in store in regards to these guys.

i need to sleep. i finally am done with these shows, and my built-up stress is starting to melt away already. God, thank you for this day.

a little less time, a lot moore stress

2007-09-10T00:55:00.000-05:00

it doesn't seem like i have any time to think at all these days. nor do i have nearly enough time to pray. nor do i have nearly enough time to sleep. and i say this all as i'm posting at 1am.

it just seems like the more i ruminate on "problems" i have with things and situations around me, the less at peace i feel about anything, and the more prone i am to flip out in a venting session to my friends.

it's just freaking annoying that although i constantly think of how i need to spend more time in God's Word and in prayer, the less time i actually do it. i have less time, and more stress. almost exponential stress. it's like moore's law for computers:

"the number of transistors that can be inexpensively placed on an integrated circuit is increasing exponentially, doubling approximately every two years."

i feel like my stress level is increasing faster than that. i want to spend time in God's presence, but even now, i'm not doing that. i'm FREAKING TYPING ON A KEYBOARD!!!

i'm sorry, this is ridiculous. i'm getting off this computer. this is dumb.

i'll feel better in the morning, hopefully.

a lot of ketch-ing up to do...

2007-09-07T00:24:00.000-05:00

tonight i stared a ferocious cat in the face. never have i been afraid of cats, but this cat was fierce. her name was kiki. she growled and hissed at me, then looked at me with her mean eyes, then followed the movement of my hand as i reached up to scratch my forehead. this was no laughing matter, indeed.

on to more lighthearted news...

it's less than a month now until the time i find out whether one of our commercials makes it into the top 15 in the Heinz Top This TV Challenge. basically, heinz had a contest in which anyone could make a commercial (following some guidelines) and submit it onto youtube, for a chance to win $57,ooo. first, however, you must be selected into the top 15. there were just over 3,000 entries. the odds aren't that bad, however, cuz we submitted 3 commercials. i like 1,000 to 1 odds. we did, however, get kind of a late start (my fault), so we don't have as many views as a lot of the other ones. we've got to ketchup.

anyways, if you're selected into the top 15, then america gets to vote for which one is their favorite, which they do online, on youtube. the commercials were made by me, nick semar, and jackie i-don't-know-her-last-name. i would be so psyched if we won the $57,000. it'd be split 3 ways, but still, that's like $16,000 that i didn't have before.

so everyone cross your fingers that one of our commercials make it, and if one does, vote the crap out of it!! for anyone who'd like to see the commercials--and PLEASE, watch our commercials (and send the links to friends, family, and anyone you know who has an email address)--just click on these links:

"better on a burger"

"never run out"

"do you have enough??"

and for goodness sakes, enjoy them!

traffic jam?

2007-09-05T01:11:00.000-05:00

while listening to the radio on the way to a job site today, there was an advertisement (pronounced as the british do, with the emphasis on 'ver' rather than 'ad'...but this has no relevance).

time for me to re-create it!! (although keep in mind, the text is strictly estimation, since i don't remember it word for word)

starts out, "are you stuck in a traffic jam?"....ok, normal enough...."do you need some relief from the long commute and hot sun?"....still sounds ok...."then stop on in for our 1.5 liter specials at brown derby!"--what?!? are they encouraging people to drink and drive????

ironic moment of the night: commercial finishes as normally as can be expected, then the radio host immediately goes into a traffic report, "keep an eye out on your commute home as there has been a traffic accident at glenstone and cherry."....ironic part of that whole thing??--there's a brown derby liquor store not far from there.

looks like someone else had already heard the commercial.

2007-09-04T00:15:00.001-05:00

lakes may not be the ideal choice for weekend travellers. or actually they may be just that, come to think of it.

*sidenote: the spell check just told me "travellers" is spelled wrong. it also told me the same thing the second time just now. i would like to set the record straight by letting everyone know that i don't care, and i intentionally left it misspelled, in both cases.

*end sidenote*

in any case, i'd never been to a lake in missouri in the 4 years i've lived here. mostly i think it's because i was always gone during the prime lake season--(summer... for those who don't know what the prime lake season is)--but i don't know if that's an accurate assumption. case in point, i was here all this summer, yet it took me until labor day (the unofficial end of summer) to get out to one.

my lake of choice today was table rock lake, though i didn't choose it. it's actually quite beautiful, and i had a great time. it was fun being with my friends, as well as a few friends with whom i'd never really hung out before. i realized a few things today, however:

i am by no means a strong swimmer. by the time i'd reached the buoy line where my friends were, they had had enough time to take out a second mortgage, in addition to the first one they also applied for in that time and had been paying on for several years (the second one was to cover some minor home improvement projects). also, i was dead tired by the time i got out there.
i am very good at tipping canoes. this was unintentional...of course. the two girls in the canoe already (dana and liz) were convinced that i could get in without error, andhad already started trying to convince me of this as well. before even attempting it, however, i could foresee that this wasn't going to end well. sure enough, it tipped, they were thrown clear, and the canoe was 3/4 filled with water. fun times.
i am not fond of walking on gravel in bare feet. the shore of the lake, from the sand to the water and even well into the water, was all gravel. enough said.

with all of these learning experiences happening before my very eyes and under my very feet, it was hard not to think of it as a school day. ironic, since i am both no longer in school, and today was labor day, on which all the schools were off classes anyways. i guess i could be considered a student of life.

one more bit of irony....labor day is intended to honor and celebrate laborers and other workers in this country. ironic, then, that on labor day, all of the white collar workers are off, while all of the blue collar workers (whom this day is really intended to honor) all have to work to facilitate the increased shopping and eating-out of the white collar workers who have the day off. interesting.

well i'm gonna go to sleep so i can get up and labor over some video projectors.

*edit*: i am not yet familiar enough with the formatting tools on blogger to really master them, hence some of the screwy formatting on this particular post.**

it's a mystery

2007-09-02T16:37:00.000-05:00

i was thinking that i'm really lucky that i get to be a part of such an awesome show once a month (the mystery hour). i've started to realize more and more, however, that it's not luck. what i mean is that it's not just chance that i'm getting to be involved with such amazing talents and fun times. God has had me in His hands for my entire life, but i'm only starting to see now how far-reaching that is.

I can say one thing for certain--the mystery hour is one of the coolest things to hit springfield in a long time, and i'm mucho privileged to be in the company of these great minds of comedy and entertainment, not to mention just how wonderful a person mystery jeff is.

sometimes i wonder if this will lead to bigger things: it almost seems like we're on the road to a big break, but obviously there's no way of possibly knowing that. i think that making movies or doing comedy or making comedy movies with my friends would have to be one of my biggest dreams. after making such critically acclaimed hits such as "zoom" and "konie's hedge", there's no question that my film-making career is off to a promising start....maybe, haha.

well, here's to awkward moments of the night.