thaaaaaaaaaanksgiving!

i'm home! i've eaten more in the last 24 hours than i had eaten basically all of last week, and it's not even thanksgiving day. i shudder to think what that will be like.

i'm so glad to be home for a time....there's just so much i need to schedule with people. there's almost not enough time to do everything! luckily, i'll be home for christmas as well, so it's kind of like a second try for everything i missed otherwise.

and i suddenly don't feel like writing anything more today.

that's ok, i'm on holiday.

developments and deviations

i have a job interview tomorrow. monday morning at 11:15. at a tv station. for the position of production assistant.

i have no idea how much it pays, or what the exact hours will be. i have no idea whether this is the answer--temporarily or semi-permanantly--to my recent problem of unemployment. i have no idea whether it will prevent me from going home for either thanksgiving, christmas, or both. and i have no idea whether it will interfere with my volunteer duties at church or my performing at the skinny.

i do know, however, that i am up for anything. if this job pays well, or even just enough, i will do it at least for a while.

i am eager, so eager, to be in God's plans. to be in his will. to be doing nothing more and nothing less than exactly what he wants me to do, and to be nowhere else than exactly where he wants me to be. i am eager, so eager, to be closer to him--in every way. to be a better listener, to be better at praying, to be better--just better in every way--and to be made that way by the only way possible....by God himself.

i want to put aside, drop on the ground, and even completely demolish my dependence and connections to everything that is preventing me from getting to that point. i may be taking some time off from the skinny, for all i know. time will tell. God, you know my desires. make them yours. take everything you want for me, and funnel it into my heart; make it completely mine, so that i know no difference between your desires and mine. you know my skills and talents--you gave them to me, afterall. if it pleases you that i use them, then please make it so. unhinge all of my preconceptions of what form the answers to my prayers will take. i love you.

on a side note:
this weekend's shows felt really good. for the past month, i've felt i've been in such a rut in my improvising. understandably so; my mind was completely engrossed with the pressures of unemployment and all the worries that accompany that state. i don't know whether my performances this weekend were rejuvenated by the prospect of a job interview on monday, or whether God granted me some grace in my creativity, but i know that i haven't performed as well as this weekend in what seems like a long time, but has in reality only been a few weeks. my mind felt a lot lighter and ready for action. oh yeah.

a second side note:
i can't help but feel that there is a growing tension at the skinny as of late. i don't know what is causing it. i can't quite put my finger on it. i do know, however, that the atmosphere around the skinny has been considerably heavier, more business-like. mind you, i didn't say more professional--i said more business-like; it feels more like a corporation and place of business rather than a theatre. almost a melancholy feel. i hope it passes soon. or even better, i hope that this is more just in my mind and perception than it is in reality. oh wells. i'll just keep doing my thing, and doing it the best way i can--doing it in such a way that others can see some of my God in me.

scatter

my brain fills up too fast as of late.  all with the same focus:  job.

(and that's 'job', as in employment--not 'job', as in the guy that a whole lot of crap happened to in the bible)

it's time for less of me, more of God.

Lord, i'm going to keep praying about this til you're sick of hearing about it.  then you'll basically answer my prayer just to get me out of your proverbial hair.  do you have hair?  i guess, in the sense of humans picturing you with hair, you do.  but is it really made of the same stuff??

whoa, tangent.

Lord, take care of me.  i'm completely in your hands.  take me where you want me.

p.s. - i'm going to start writing.  i don't know what.  probably sketches.  or stories.  or plays.  or poems.  any of those things.

so about that job...

scratch it from the record books, record-keeper!

yeah, so maybe my foray into the land of telemarketing--specifically fundraising for the republican party--was not the best laid plan.  in fact, after only 2 and a half days of training, i walked out on that job.

i've never done that before.

when the HR lady who hired me asked me why i wanted to quit already, she said, "but you haven't even started on the phones yet."

well, to be honest, i didn't want to start on the phones.  if other people can do this job and have no problem with it, then that's ok with me.  i, however, cannot in good conscience manipulate money out of people.  it just does not sit right in my gut or in my heart.

God.......um...if you have anything for me up there--specifically a job--um......now would be a good time.

someone's got a job....

it's me, by the way.

improv dreams...if only i could fall asleep

so here i am, at 3am.  i can't seem to fall asleep after spending a little time venting to God.  reason is, i have so many ides running thru my head that i can't get my brain to settle down.  i really want to use my skills and passions for God's glory, but at 3am, it's hard to get your brain around a solid idea for starting some type of improv ministry.

if you'd asked me what i wanted to do just 6 hours ago, i would have said, "find a job that will help me pay off my school bills and allow me to do improv as well."  well, my narrow mind always seems to keep me in the box of springfield, missouri.  after much frustration tonight while talking to God, however, i have finally come to the conclusion that i don't care where i am.

i want to do God's will above all else, and if that means leaving springfield, leaving my volunteer duties at north point, leaving my volunteer (...ahem) duties at the skinny, and leaving my family even more scattered across the country than before, then so be it.

is it crazy to think of starting a ministry at age 22?  maybe it is.  do i even know if this is really where God (and/or all the crazy ideas that float around in my head) is taking me??  i have no idea.

all i know is that i don't want to be stuck here in springfield doing some mundane job that i hate doing, which has no perceivable connection to my passions and skills, and which will just continue to keep me thinking within the limiting box of springfield, mo.  i know that God has bigger things out there for me.

i just don't know where to even look to start.  that is where i am at a complete loss.  i want to impact the world (or at least as large a portion of the world as God gives me influence in), and i know that there is a place for improv and theatre arts in this plan.  but WHERE DO I START?!?!

this, my friends, is the very thing that is keeping me up at 3am.

tomorrow (or today, i suppose), i drive a van full of middle school and high school students to branson for the southern missouri district youth convention.  i am so excited.  pray that God gets a hold on the lives of these students who are going.  and experience with God is the greatest thing we could ask for these students.  pray also that God speaks to me while i'm there.  i know i will be doing that very thing.  and also pray that i get to sleep.

cuz my mind is still reeling with the possibilities and frustrations that these ideas are presenting....at 3am.

snooze button?? psshh.

i'm having trouble lately waking up at a reasonable time.  today, for instance, i didn't get up til it was nearly noon.  goodness.  i need to rectify that.

so right now it's been a little over a week since i've been put "on call" with avman, which really just means "we're not going to call."  they haven't called me for any work since i got the call indicating i'd be "on call."  it's not like i really expected them to call me frequently...but not at all?  i guess this was just their really sneaky and underhanded way of firing me.  see, cuz this way,  they don't pay unemployment, cuz i'm still technically employed there.  shady business, if you ask me.  so i've been applying to several places, with no responses yet.

i really don't even know where to start looking, cuz i don't know what God wants me to do.  i'd much rather be doing what He wants me to do, but it's just a waiting game so far.  i'm not just being lazy about it; i am applying places.  now i just have to trust that God won't let me be hired to a place that He doesn't want me working.

recently i've experienced a renewed joy of being in His presence, which is a good start, considering where i was spiritually not so long ago.  and i know i'm gonna make mistakes, but to have that joy back while spending time with God--that's more than i could have hoped for even a few weeks ago.  so now i'm taking it one day at a time.  some days are good, others are not as good.  but i'm determined to not mess up my life any more than i already have.

sometimes i just feel like i've screwed things up beyond repair, but then i remember how silly that is, considering the God i serve and love.  i know God likes to build our faith and our patience in Him by waiting til seemingly the last possible moment to come through with an answer to our prayers.  trust me, He's doing that with me right now.  i really need a job, but i think my money will hold out at least til the end of the month...which is right about the time that i figure God will pull some job out of nowhere that will be a much better situation for me than avman ever was.

i also have to wonder, though, whether this is what God had planned for me all along.  He knows me better than i know myself, and so maybe He knew that this is what i needed in order to come back to Him and finally trust in Him.  the God i know doesn't do things to spite His children, so i won't believe that He's going to put me in another crappy job just to spite me.  but i do understand that putting me in another crappy or less-than-ideal job may be the only way right now to get me out of the mess i've made up until this point.  in my experience thus far, God doesn't often magically fix everything for you.  if you mess up and get yourself in a bad situation, God will more often than not (at least in my observations) have you get yourself out of it (with His help, of course) in the only possible way--the hard way.

if that's where i am right now, then i can't blame anyone for it but myself.  and if i have to get out of this place the hard way, then i cherish the opportunity to grow closer to God through it, and to build my character through it, and to guard myself from making this type of mistake in the future.

God, thank you for hearing me.