someone's got a job....

it's me, by the way.

improv dreams...if only i could fall asleep

so here i am, at 3am.  i can't seem to fall asleep after spending a little time venting to God.  reason is, i have so many ides running thru my head that i can't get my brain to settle down.  i really want to use my skills and passions for God's glory, but at 3am, it's hard to get your brain around a solid idea for starting some type of improv ministry.

if you'd asked me what i wanted to do just 6 hours ago, i would have said, "find a job that will help me pay off my school bills and allow me to do improv as well."  well, my narrow mind always seems to keep me in the box of springfield, missouri.  after much frustration tonight while talking to God, however, i have finally come to the conclusion that i don't care where i am.

i want to do God's will above all else, and if that means leaving springfield, leaving my volunteer duties at north point, leaving my volunteer (...ahem) duties at the skinny, and leaving my family even more scattered across the country than before, then so be it.

is it crazy to think of starting a ministry at age 22?  maybe it is.  do i even know if this is really where God (and/or all the crazy ideas that float around in my head) is taking me??  i have no idea.

all i know is that i don't want to be stuck here in springfield doing some mundane job that i hate doing, which has no perceivable connection to my passions and skills, and which will just continue to keep me thinking within the limiting box of springfield, mo.  i know that God has bigger things out there for me.

i just don't know where to even look to start.  that is where i am at a complete loss.  i want to impact the world (or at least as large a portion of the world as God gives me influence in), and i know that there is a place for improv and theatre arts in this plan.  but WHERE DO I START?!?!

this, my friends, is the very thing that is keeping me up at 3am.

tomorrow (or today, i suppose), i drive a van full of middle school and high school students to branson for the southern missouri district youth convention.  i am so excited.  pray that God gets a hold on the lives of these students who are going.  and experience with God is the greatest thing we could ask for these students.  pray also that God speaks to me while i'm there.  i know i will be doing that very thing.  and also pray that i get to sleep.

cuz my mind is still reeling with the possibilities and frustrations that these ideas are presenting....at 3am.

snooze button?? psshh.

i'm having trouble lately waking up at a reasonable time.  today, for instance, i didn't get up til it was nearly noon.  goodness.  i need to rectify that.

so right now it's been a little over a week since i've been put "on call" with avman, which really just means "we're not going to call."  they haven't called me for any work since i got the call indicating i'd be "on call."  it's not like i really expected them to call me frequently...but not at all?  i guess this was just their really sneaky and underhanded way of firing me.  see, cuz this way,  they don't pay unemployment, cuz i'm still technically employed there.  shady business, if you ask me.  so i've been applying to several places, with no responses yet.

i really don't even know where to start looking, cuz i don't know what God wants me to do.  i'd much rather be doing what He wants me to do, but it's just a waiting game so far.  i'm not just being lazy about it; i am applying places.  now i just have to trust that God won't let me be hired to a place that He doesn't want me working.

recently i've experienced a renewed joy of being in His presence, which is a good start, considering where i was spiritually not so long ago.  and i know i'm gonna make mistakes, but to have that joy back while spending time with God--that's more than i could have hoped for even a few weeks ago.  so now i'm taking it one day at a time.  some days are good, others are not as good.  but i'm determined to not mess up my life any more than i already have.

sometimes i just feel like i've screwed things up beyond repair, but then i remember how silly that is, considering the God i serve and love.  i know God likes to build our faith and our patience in Him by waiting til seemingly the last possible moment to come through with an answer to our prayers.  trust me, He's doing that with me right now.  i really need a job, but i think my money will hold out at least til the end of the month...which is right about the time that i figure God will pull some job out of nowhere that will be a much better situation for me than avman ever was.

i also have to wonder, though, whether this is what God had planned for me all along.  He knows me better than i know myself, and so maybe He knew that this is what i needed in order to come back to Him and finally trust in Him.  the God i know doesn't do things to spite His children, so i won't believe that He's going to put me in another crappy job just to spite me.  but i do understand that putting me in another crappy or less-than-ideal job may be the only way right now to get me out of the mess i've made up until this point.  in my experience thus far, God doesn't often magically fix everything for you.  if you mess up and get yourself in a bad situation, God will more often than not (at least in my observations) have you get yourself out of it (with His help, of course) in the only possible way--the hard way.

if that's where i am right now, then i can't blame anyone for it but myself.  and if i have to get out of this place the hard way, then i cherish the opportunity to grow closer to God through it, and to build my character through it, and to guard myself from making this type of mistake in the future.

God, thank you for hearing me.

veils and curtains

it gets so hard to see where to step next, when all that is in front of you seems hidden.  this is especially true when you get blindsided by unexpected and unfortunate events.  i really want to know where i fit in God's will, and i want to get to the place God wants me to be.  it's hard to say it, and i'm still not sure i'm 100% behind this statement, but i want to be in God's will even if that means giving up some of the things i love and consider to be essential.

my back hurts

i feel like i'm being weighed down.  all i want to do is lift it, but i can't.  i keep trying on my own, but i keep becoming more and more accepting and content with what i have in my lap.  that's not what i'm supposed to be.  this isn't all that's out there for me.  i have a lot more in store for me that God wants me to do.

present pressures prevent me from practicing perfect perception, foil my attempts at focusing fervently on the face of the One who created me, create cracks in the crust of my convictions.

i can't for the life of me concentrate long enough on God and His holiness for my prayers to be of very much tangible benefit.  when i pray, i feel as if God hears me, but does nothing for now.  it's infuriating to be forced to wait.

i just want to know with utmost certainty that God has plans in the works to take care of me, and to make me more in His image, and to provide for me materially but also spiritually and emotionally--filling me up with His joy.  i don't find it easy to think of joy when i'm wondering whether my bills will be covered by the diminutive funds in my bank account.  how long, o God, will You leave my prayers unanswered?  how long will You wait before You show Your power?  please, God, hear me.

for the record, i am now officially on an "on call" basis at work.

teeter-totter

some days are good, some days...not as good.

last night my roommate had some people over and cooked a meal for them.  it was nice of him--they are all my friends, too.  he did not, however, clean up the mess afterwards.  he left that all over the kitchen all night.  it's not really that unexpected, though.  it's happened before, so no surprise there.

my roommate came back today, however.  my first thought when i heard him coming in the door while i was in my room was, "oh sweet, he's coming to clean up."  after about fifteen minutes or so, however, i started hearing some odd noises coming from the living room.  i emerged from my room only to discover the mess still in the kitchen, and my roommate, building a tv stand in the living room.  he was BUILDING a tv stand IN the living room.  in fact, he's still there right now, pounding and drilling away.  luckily, he decided to do all the cutting of the wood out on the patio, but unfortunately he left the sliding glass door wide open while doing this, which let in at least 10 or so flies who started feasting on the mess of food crap in the kitchen.

i need to leave the apartment for a while...maybe walk around downtown.  ooh, i could go read at the mudhouse!

this is insane.  i need out of here--for good.

gratefulness

today is beautiful.  thank you, God.

forgive me for all my complaining, and thank you for listening despite those complaints.

you are wonderful.  thank you.