snooze button?? psshh.

i'm having trouble lately waking up at a reasonable time.  today, for instance, i didn't get up til it was nearly noon.  goodness.  i need to rectify that.

so right now it's been a little over a week since i've been put "on call" with avman, which really just means "we're not going to call."  they haven't called me for any work since i got the call indicating i'd be "on call."  it's not like i really expected them to call me frequently...but not at all?  i guess this was just their really sneaky and underhanded way of firing me.  see, cuz this way,  they don't pay unemployment, cuz i'm still technically employed there.  shady business, if you ask me.  so i've been applying to several places, with no responses yet.

i really don't even know where to start looking, cuz i don't know what God wants me to do.  i'd much rather be doing what He wants me to do, but it's just a waiting game so far.  i'm not just being lazy about it; i am applying places.  now i just have to trust that God won't let me be hired to a place that He doesn't want me working.

recently i've experienced a renewed joy of being in His presence, which is a good start, considering where i was spiritually not so long ago.  and i know i'm gonna make mistakes, but to have that joy back while spending time with God--that's more than i could have hoped for even a few weeks ago.  so now i'm taking it one day at a time.  some days are good, others are not as good.  but i'm determined to not mess up my life any more than i already have.

sometimes i just feel like i've screwed things up beyond repair, but then i remember how silly that is, considering the God i serve and love.  i know God likes to build our faith and our patience in Him by waiting til seemingly the last possible moment to come through with an answer to our prayers.  trust me, He's doing that with me right now.  i really need a job, but i think my money will hold out at least til the end of the month...which is right about the time that i figure God will pull some job out of nowhere that will be a much better situation for me than avman ever was.

i also have to wonder, though, whether this is what God had planned for me all along.  He knows me better than i know myself, and so maybe He knew that this is what i needed in order to come back to Him and finally trust in Him.  the God i know doesn't do things to spite His children, so i won't believe that He's going to put me in another crappy job just to spite me.  but i do understand that putting me in another crappy or less-than-ideal job may be the only way right now to get me out of the mess i've made up until this point.  in my experience thus far, God doesn't often magically fix everything for you.  if you mess up and get yourself in a bad situation, God will more often than not (at least in my observations) have you get yourself out of it (with His help, of course) in the only possible way--the hard way.

if that's where i am right now, then i can't blame anyone for it but myself.  and if i have to get out of this place the hard way, then i cherish the opportunity to grow closer to God through it, and to build my character through it, and to guard myself from making this type of mistake in the future.

God, thank you for hearing me.